Starting this blog is the equivalent of mom hiding in the closet eating the ‘secret cookies’ for me. A time where I can slip away and indulge in my own thoughts. Sometimes a stay at home mom just needs a break from the kiddos! However, my little guy is basically a second shadow with the eyes of a hawk and there has never been a ‘secret cookie’ in our house, let alone a chance for me to sneak away to the coat closet for some much needed alone time. Thus a blog was born.
Can someone please assure me that I’m not the only first time mom that didn’t realize the demands that came post birth? I read every article, book, blog that I could get my hands on while pregnant. I spent hours upon hours researching labor and delivery and postpartum healing. I made lists (and lists and lists and lists) of what my husband, myself and baby would need at the hospital. I felt completely prepared for my pregnancy and labor.
But there’s not a book called ‘How to Stop A Meltdown After You Give Your Child the Wrong Spoon’. And there’s no class where you learn to function without sleep for….years. How many? I don’t know (I have a feeling I will still be waking up 5 times a night to check on my kids when they’re married with kids of their own). There should be some kind of preparatory session on how to watch the same movie on a loop without going insane. But most of all, I wish there was a way to prepare yourself for the struggles and demands that come along with choosing to stay at home with your baby. I have committed every ounce of myself to being the best mom I can be for my son but, seriously, sometimes when daddy gets home I pretend I have to poop just for 3 minutes of alone time.
I had every intention of going back to work post delivery, finishing my bachelors degree and taking the world by storm. (Ok, maybe not the whole world) But one look at my son and I knew I was meant to do something far more important. I decided to be a stay at home mom and I had no clue what I had just signed myself up for. I wasn’t under the impression it would be easy, but I wasn’t prepared for it to be this lonely and difficult.
I miss being selfish. Isn’t that horrible? I’m sure I’m not the only mom that feels this way and I know I’m not the only one who feels guilty for admitting it. I miss only thinking about myself. I miss having my own money and getting my hair done every 6 weeks. Of course I love my yoga pants and baggy shirts but I miss having a reason to buy cute clothes as the new styles roll in. Most of all, I miss having friends (speaking of which, is anyone creating a dating app for stay at home moms yet? I’ve been working on my profile. Megan, 21, mom of one. Looking for someone with a compatible nap schedule and a love for Curious George. Must be within walking distance)
My son has no clue how much he takes from me. He never has to know. I willingly give and always will.
My son has no clue how much he gives to me. He is my happiness. My motivation. My life.
I love being a SAHM but I wish I had been more prepared. I wish I had someone to tell me what I’m feeling is normal. It’s okay to miss who you used to be. Its okay to want time away from your baby, it makes you no less of an amazing momma.
Now excuse me, my first cup of coffee has worn off, time for another!